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and watch the weather change
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[Sep. 15th, 2006|05:25 pm] |
I feel like my life is falling apart pretty much
This is not the person I want to be and definitely not the person I want to be with you
I don't want to be feeling so stupid and failing everything
I don't want to be so tired
I never wanted to cry in front of you
I don't want to keep asking you for help
I like it when we have fun...I guess school just isn't fun
But it shouldn't have to be this way
Maybe there is still a way I can catch up
But I don't know how
I don't want to be a whiny little bitch
It must be annoying
I don't want to be annyoing
I'm still surprised that you want me at all
And I still wonder if I'm a replacement because there are reminders everywhere
And that makes me upset
And clingy
And that's lame
But it makes me want a hug
I'm lame
I don't know if I should drop classes or not
I don't want another C
Ever
And I didn't get any sort of exercise schedule together
I know I don't look good now
I haven't worn make up since school started
I wanted to be better than that
For you
I'm just sorry
I feel like I'm a disappointment
To everyone |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|05:40 pm] |
What was that?!
I mean really...
Whatever
It's time for the gay back to school bash
Brokeback Mountain and Imagine Me and You
And alcohol
And my bay!
I even got a call for a free movie rental today
Good stuff |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|06:07 pm] |
Well that was an interesting adventure
Highlights of Cincinnati include: the art museum, my drunk uncle, drinking at a bar (illegally), the volcano rolls at Baluga
I never thought I could lift all that furniture
Or eat so much food
So we survived our first U-Haul trip and unloading is going pretty smoothly
And I was right about Carlisle giving me and Dad something to talk about, because the first thing he said was that we got 540 blocks on a press with my cycle, a world record
I think he's just glad that someone understands him, it's the biggest part of his life and he had no one to share it with and not much to ever share with me
Another thing I learned on this trip was the merit in bringing your own shampoo and conditioner
For one, hotels don't even HAVE conditioner, it's this two in one crap that is supposed to work
Hint: it doesn't
Then my uncle had some Aveda shampoo and conditioner, which was great for cleaning your hair, but left mine so stripped of any oils that it sat in a hard slick clump
So basically I couldn't brush my hair for 6 days, I should just start some dreadlocks
In other news, school is quickly approaching which means CHAOS
Everyone is realizing that they didn't do all the things they intended to do this summer
Move in day scrambling needs to be planned and the band is a little frantic
Meanwhile I can barely load my email to see what is going on
I just realized I have band and AXE to worry about, and classes of doom
A bay sleepover is also in the forecast and possibly meeting with friends one last time before school
The U-Haul needs unpacked
My eyes need checked
I didn't spend enough time with friends
Kelly and I never spun our homemade yarn as we had planned
Or got together to knit
Actually, we didn't get together at all
Lots of other things didn't happen
Or happened differently than planned
A lot of things were ineffective
A lot of regrets
I feel sad |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|09:53 am] |
Since there is nothing better to do...
CARLISLE 06
Best:
-making a giant Viagra pill out of cardboard with Tony
-knock 'er loose! lab days with Charlie
-Carlisle wanting to hire me permanently
-fixing all those cycles with dad and making my cycle book
-blowing things up
Worst:
-skeezy guys and their bad pick up lines
-being hot and having to stand next to the ovens
-steel fibers in fingers and sharp blocks
Things to look forward to now that I'm done:
-being clean
-growing my nails back
-not having to wear crappy clothes
-keeping cool in the AC
-college! (again)
-fall |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|08:09 am] |
Last day at Carlisle!
Ever?
Perhaps
All the webcomics are read
And there is nothing to do
I should be at home packing
Rooooaaaadtrip!
Then new glasses
Then packing for school
Then Saks/Lesbian movie/dancing in underwear with bay
One last adventure with Drew & Ryan?
And to cville
That's it
The end of summer
Well there's a little summer left in cville with video games and Snakes on a Plane
Then back to learning ridiculously hard things
Yay |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|10:49 am] |
Mmm
I forgot what I was going to say
I could just ramble I suppose
And then the phone rings
"I forgot, you have an MRI today, you need to check in at the hospital at 12:30"
Brief feeling of panic and flashbacks
Lie very still, foamy earplugs, thumping machine, cold dye in veins, that hospital blanket that they put over your legs that never really seemed to warm you up any, soft blue scrubs always ten sizes too big, don't forget to take out your earrings...
It's not that bad
And I don't get to wear scrubs anymore
I wonder how many of these I've had?
20? 30?
Hehe, and one CAT scan, reminds me of Dr. House, he hates those CAT scans and always yells at people to do an MRI
I love that show
Anyway it's not that bad, so I don't know why I felt like that
Just for a second
Maybe because I didn't know it was coming?
I guess I have an actual excuse for skipping work today
Then I get to pack for the great roadtrip tomorrow
Should I bring my laptop and attempt to hax some internet this time?
Or just bring a book?
Sissy LeBlanc still needs to be read, then I can trade her for Mr. Maybe
Mr. Maybee was my calc teacher last year so Ryan and I laughed when I bought that book
Especially since it's got sketchy sex in it
At least that's what bay says
So lunch and MRIs then?
Delicious |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|10:17 am] |
Now I've heard plenty of bad pick up lines
Especially living with Lora (you got a license for all that back there?)
But I've never actually been the recipient
"Did it hurt when you fell?"
(Oh God don't tell me he's gonna say it) Did it hurt when I fell?
"Yeah cause I hear heaven is missing an angel"
(Oh God oh God oh God) Haha...ha...yeah...
"What's your name again?"
(Staaaaaalker....staaaaaalker...) Um, Phoebe
"Phoebe eh? I'll just call you angel"
(Holy crap awwwkward) Haha ok...
"So how's your mom?"
That's a really lame line, and a really creepy factory guy...who knows my mom
This means he probably worked with her either 5 years ago or 13 years ago or possibly earlier
That makes him creepy AND old
Gross
At least he's not as forward as the other guy who keeps telling me how hot I am and how he can't believe I don't have a boyfriend...and how he would like to see me in a bikini?
Honestly I don't know how half of these conversations get started
I'm staying in the office |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|08:07 am] |
OW HOLY MOTHER SON OF A
If I don't stop hitting myself on random pieces of furniture I swear...
Maybe I just need a padded room
That really hurt though
And how did I get a million bug bites while staying inside?
The world makes very little sense
I have so much to do and my relaxing week of packing just turned into a frantic week of cross country driving and packing
That's right, back to Indiana I go
Ohio too...you just can't pass up stylish free furniture from your metrosexual uncle
I'm serious, I'm getting a bedroom set from IKEA
How do Americans say IKEA? I-key-uh? In Scandanavia it's E-kay-ah
I want to go back to Denmark
I want to remember how to speak Danish
I still want to learn Japanese
And read one last book for fun
And sell a million things on Ebay
I want to see Katie and Dustin this time when I go to Indiana
And then again I want to jump ahead 2 weeks
There really never was a choice you know
But I'm glad I got to talk about both sides so I could see that the one side wasn't even a side
It was just really really stupid
MegaTokyo makes me exceedingly happy
I think that I will buy all the books eventually
Waiting for updates is painful
I don't like waiting
But I do like you |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|01:25 pm] |
Now what?
I don't know what to do
Can't you do both?
I said you could but now I'm not so sure
Welcome to August |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|08:29 am] |
I found my pit pants
No really, I'd forgotten all about them
It's amazing what you find when you go through your clothes and get rid of half of them
There really is no reason to wear that shirt from 7th grade...ever
I don't know if I can make 15 baby octopi by Thursday since I've just been working on the big one
We saw Monster House yesterday, it was pretty fantastic with some good lines
Of course it just isn't Nemo though
You know, there are like a million reasons why I shouldn't
But they are probably just stupid
I mean, if you avoid enough things, you aren't really living life are you?
And I don't want to regret anything
But I don't know which side it is that I would regret not doing
And I don't think I can do both
But you just feel what you feel
Even things you don't want to feel
And even at bad times
And I don't remember what I was going to say, but this post was much longer in my head
Much, much longer
Maybe my brain is telling me to stop talking
But waking up this morning felt really good
Silly silly silly
One day at a time |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|09:38 am] |
I am very forgetful lately
All of the sudden I will remember all these things I wanted to get done before summer was over
But then I don't write it down and forget again
I was trying to make a list of these things, but it seems short, like maybe I am forgetting and remembering just a few things over and over so it seems like more things
I did remember a dream though and I remember thinking that it was a silly dream so I shouldn't write it down, now I have no idea what it was
This bothers me because I keep remembering things now and I don't know if they were dreams or not and I will remember tiny pieces of something big and it is very frustrating
So basically I can't remember anything
I tried on lots of glasses and took pictures, I think I know my favorite ones, but we'll see what my fashion consultant bay says
My pitties got new fancy mallets because their mallet instructor at band camp works for a mallet making company, they are so colorful and cool and I want some
Of course I don't play mallet percussion anymore
Oh! I wanted to practice my clarinet! Add that to the forgetful list
I only have one more week at the factory and I probably won't be back next summer
I totally rocked their socks while I was here though, productivity just got extremely high and they can't figure out what happened
I'm making a small book of my discoveries to leave them and then I'm gone
Well not really gone, now that I have something to talk about with my dad I'm sure he'll tell me what's going on in the factory
Frou Frou's vocalist is named Imogen, that is an awesome name
Really someone named Phoebe should totally have a kid named Imogen
I could spell it Imojeane or Imogeene or something
Though Imogen is weird enough
This weekend will consist of much crocheting, I volunteered myself to make small octopi for the kids at bay's bible school since they have an under the sea kind of theme
Plus it gives me practice
I hope I can get them all done, if I don't have enough I'll just be stuck with a bunch of baby octopi
And then what? Invade?
Exactly |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|03:44 pm] |
"Hypnagogic sensations are vivid dream-like experiences that occur as one is falling asleep or waking up. The features of these sensations generally vary by individual, but some are more common to the experience than others."
One of the common ones was "Pressure/weight on body (especially the chest)," that's where I felt the person touching me (it was a hug I believe and I became lucidly aware that I was dreaming but mostly awake and felt pressure on my chest.
Another thing mentioned is sleep paralysis. "During REM sleep the body is paralyzed by a mechanism in the brain, because otherwise the movements which occur in the dream would actually cause the body to move. However, it is possible for this mechanism to be triggered before, during, or after normal sleep while the brain awakens. This can lead to a state where a person is lying in his or her bed and he or she feels frozen."
A while back my mom was taking a new migraine medicine and said she woke up and couldn't move and was sort of drooling. She thought it might be some kind of seizure/paralysis thing and said it was really scary. She told herself just to go back to sleep and when she woke up later she was fine. She never took those pills again, but it's sounds like this medicine possibly caused her to wake up while her brain still had her body paralyzed with a mini seizure thrown in.
This reminds me of a time when I was about 14 and I was taking a nap on the couch. I woke up and my vision was really blurry (which is normal because I'm half blind). I put on my glasses, but nothing changed. I checked the lenses and rubbed my eyes and kept taking the glasses off and putting them back on but my vision never changed. I vaguely remember thinking I should go get a new perscription and then I decided to go back to sleep. I don't know why I went back to sleep, so it could very well be that I was having a lucid dream or false awakening type thing which would explain randomly going back to sleep. When I actually woke up and put on my glasses I could see just fine.
Brains are freaky.
This stuff is pretty flippin sweet. I'm totally keeping a dream log and teaching myself how to have lucid dreams now.
I just feel really detatched lately |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|02:01 pm] |
I've been having a lot of weird half asleep dreams lately
I see these people and events and I know they aren't real, but my face and body will react to the dream and I am awake enough to feel my body reacting (such as smiling or my mouth trying to move to talk)
Today I actually felt a dream person touching me, it was bizarre
I mean, when you are dreaming you dream that you feel things as well and I suppose your body reacts in some way to send the sensation according to the dream
So when you are half awake you can catch your body sensing things according to a dream?
I guess it makes sense but it was still weird, I remember being half awake and thinking "man, you dream weird things...wait what is touching you?"
And nothing was there
Also when you are half awake your dreams can get extra weird because you are still experiencing awake things and trying to incorporate them into your dream, or waking up and trying to put dream things in order in the awake world
I guess dreams can be weird in deep sleep but you'd never really be aware enough to remember them
I guess I need more sleep
The movie Waking Life is pretty interesting and it talks a lot about lucid dreaming
Maybe lucid dreaming runs in my family? My dad will have conversations with you in his sleep and then wake up and have no idea what you are talking about or say "oh I was dreaming"
Well this gives me something to look up on the intarweb while I'm at work
Do you ever get bored with eating?
Every day lunch rolls around and it seems more like a chore than something I need/want to do
And I don't think it's the food, because there is plenty to choose from so I shouldn't be bored
I think mainly it's because I'm on a different eating schedule at home and there are times when we eat instead of just whenever I get hungry
All these schedules should get better when I'm back at school
Even if the sleep cycle is random, I still feel better doing things when I need to do them
Another weird thing is that once I'm at work and doing things, the rest of my life seems to disappear and I don't think about or feel anything
I guess it sort of clears your mind when you are busy and in a different setting
I wish school could do this, like if when I was doing work for school the rest of my life could turn off for a minute until I was done
Instead my thoughts are everywhere and really distracting
Maybe this is something I can take from work and try to do back at school
I really like it when everything turns off so you can get stuff done
It would be cool to learn to turn things off period |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|02:25 pm] |
Man I couldn't sleep at all last night
Probably because I left work 2 hours early and went to bed
But my dad asked this morning who I was talking to at 2 AM
I surely wasn't talking to a real person, so either my dad dreamed that I was talking, or I was talking to imaginary people in my half-sleep
Interesting, I wonder who the imaginary people might have been...
Anyway, I blew something up today
For serious, it's got a big hole and everything, and I'm keeping it
The bad news is, I have nothing to do until the scale is fixed
Except webcomics of course, and I finished OverCompensating
So I found a cute pattern for a stuffed octopus, which I decided to start on right away
Like right when I get home
Didn't I just say I was "going to start on something right away as soon as I got home" a few days ago?
Oh right, the book
Well if I continue this way I will not start the book or the crocheting
But I can dream
Cute fuzzy octopus dreams
My body says "no" to aerobics but my brain says "yes yes!" to bay gossip
Of course I'll jump up and down on a step for an hour for bay gossip
It's totally worth it
Plus we get to do the cha cha slide
Haha...line dancing |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|11:16 pm] |
I just had a ridiculous idea
I get a lot of these from watching tv
Like 90% of my spontaneously ridiculous ideas come from tv
But I've decided that I want a personal trainer
Oh yes
And I will get one as soon as I get back to school
And I hope it's a badass blonde lesbian
This is not because I'm watching Workout
Not at all |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|12:38 pm] |
Asshats
I am so indescribably tired and I don't really know why
Maybe from being sick and needing to regain lost strength and energy
I plan on skipping everything and going to bed
Everything being trying on glasses, yoga, and the last 30 mintues of work
The factory is too damn hot anyway and my line was down all day
So I'll just have to read webcomics until 3:30
Speaking of which, since I've caught up on all my regular comics
Regular comics being QuestionableContent, MegaTokyo, and Girly
I've branched out to take over more comics such as Stuff Sucks and White Ninja Comics
That's when I stumbled across Overcompensating
The first comic I saw there was about Snakes On A Plane...the main character is named Jeffrey...and it looks like Jeffrey
I swear we were just talking about S.O.A.P. yesterday
I must remember to show him |
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| books! |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|10:32 am] |
For the first time since before Governor's school (yes that's like 3 years ago), I read a book.
FOR FUN!
And not just one book...TWO whole books!
If you know how much I read before Governor's school then you would also find this very exciting. I absolutely loved reading. I remember us reading during gym when we were done with whatever and passing good books around. One of mine made it halfway around the school before I got it back, with its cover and pages lovingly worn and tattered from many readers as all good books should be. Reading heavily continued this way from 5th grade (and quite a bit before then) until Gov. school where they assigned 5 books at a time and made you overanalyze each one and squeeze out 6 papers...
Not that the Governor's school books were bad, mind you...they were entertaining at times but not exactly modern literature. There's only so much Dickens you can find enjoyable when you have 5 days to finish it. And there were some good books that came out of Governor's school which still linger as some of my all time favorite books, The Poisonwood Bible and The Cobra Event (again, more modern books, a break from Thomas Hardy). I think mainly it was the time limit and the amount of work already piled on us that made me loathe Govie reading. I do remember enjoying the plot and getting into most of the books, even though they were books that I wouldn't normally choose to read. I might even go back and re-read them some day when I'm not pressed to find every single instance of symbolism.
But back to the books at hand.
Why Girls are Weird, by Pamela Ribon:
I bought this one a long time ago but it remained frozen on my shelf. I cracked it open before the Indiana trip and slowly but surely began to read more and more. There isn't that much to do at Grandma's house after all, and I was starting to get into it.
It honestly wasn't that spectacular of a read. However, it was easy and interesting enough to hold my attention and I did finish it. It's about a young woman who starts a blog, but in the blog she writes herself as a different person. Then this guy likes her but she has a boyfriend in the blog who is an ex in real life and she gets caught in her lies and so on and so forth. It's interesting for someone who knows about blogs and the twisted web lives that people can have, so I didn't recommend it to my mom. However, some internet hipsters out there might enjoy it. Like I said, it's a light read if you are looking for something to do. There was even a tear jerker moment that got me a bit weepy. And by a bit weepy I mean I cried my eyes out, but that's just me.
A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby:
This was mom's Indiana book, and she was constantly laughing out loud and reading me little snippits. I was a bit jealous because it sounded more interesting than mine and so I decided to read it when she was done.
Oh. My. God. It was FABULOUS! I absolutely loved it. It was about four strangers who go to an infamous rooftop to commit suicide on New Years Eve. However, they run into each other and much hilarity ensues. It was full of humor, the kind of real life humor you find in everyday things. It was a great character study on the four people, with a different one writing each chapter and alternating that way throughout the book. I even stole some of the insightful and funny quotes for away messages. The very last line was my favorite as it pretty much summed up their entire experience. You'll know what I'm talking about if you've read it, so if you haven't, go do so. Yes right away!
It was exactly what I needed to get into reading again, and it even gave me some interesting new British curse words to add to my vocabulary (which, thanks to my father, is already filled with many interesting British curse words).
Now I only have a month before I go back to school and get caught up in class work and band and AXE things, but I hope I can squeeze more books in! Still frozen on the shelf as gifts during Gov. school days that were never finished/started: The Scandalous Summer of Sissy LeBlanc, White Out, Wicked, A Clockwork Orange, some cheezy Nora Roberts romance novels, The Andromeda Strain, and probably a few others. I'd really like to read some more Nick Hornby as well.
I think one of my problems is that I quit reading during a transition period. Some of my once favorite books aren't really literary feats when I look back at them. Now I'm interested in some more Nick Hornby-esque books and not so much...Oh I don't even know. It's been so long since I've read that I really have no idea what I'm talking about. So I'm open to recommendations! Drop me a comment with your favorite books!
I believe I'll be reading Sissy LeBlanc next, as in "as soon as I get home this evening".
Also, I'm back at work! Which is why I am posting again while my blocks meander through the oven (this takes about an hour and a half). I'm sorry I didn't do any of the interview questions while I was at home sick, but I was mainly in bed watching crap tv, playing video games, and IMing people. Plus I picked up mom from the airport which led to shopping at Whole Foods, tried on new glasses, and tried a new recipe. Interesting things that came out of all this were Pants Off Dance Off (I can't believe this is on tv...you should really watch it just for the hell of it, it's on Fuse), a Guild Wars account (thanks dear) though my internet was too slow to load it, and delicious stuffed tomatoes.
But back to the point.
I was thinking of your questions and formulating good answers in my head. I even jotted down some notes. Which reminds me that I really should carry a notebook as I do some of my more interesting thinking between 12 and 4... Anyway, I will surely be posting answers during work while my blocks are baking and hopefully not blistering.
I picked up a deliciously botched one out of the scrap pile to bring back to Doc Fitz.
And it's time to check on these and go to lunch! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|02:23 am] |
There are some days
You know the ones
Where you just loathe everything about yourself
And when you are home sick you have a lot of time to think
And to watch E!
And sometimes it just hits me
That it's too late for me
I don't think I'll ever be able to be who I want to be
I'm at the age where those things need to be happening
But they aren't
And I feel like I'm settling
Maybe I'm not doing enough about it?
Am I doing anything at all?
Sometimes I can't stand being in my own skin |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|10:16 pm] |
Right, so I am still sick
And bored
So here's an idea
Ok so it's actually been done before and not so much my idea
But if you want to know something about me, leave a comment with up to 3 interview type questions
And I will pick one on a rainy day (or sick day as the case may be) when I have nothing else to write and answer it as an entry
Answers to your burning questions!
Ready, set, go!
Also, please leave your name so I don't have to guess who's questions they are |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|04:13 pm] |
I think this is it
I can only avoid death for so long
I had a good run though, from like mid-March until now
And now
I am dead
Everything hurts
I'm talking joints, lymph nodes, fingernails, toes, scalp, teeth, EVERYTHING
And my brain is in a fog
I couldn't get through the Linkin Park raps, me slurring Linkin Park is a bad sign
And when I got to my locked front door with keys in hand, I pressed the unlock button on my car clicker thingy
I do believe this will be a cold from hell
But why ~after~ drinking the Immunity Defense orange juice I just bought?
Why?!
Ugh, the time for stronger drugs hath arrived |
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